confessions from a crazy person

i have a confession to make.

i have truly, truly, truly been avoiding this blog.

because if i was honest with myself and actually sat down to write a new post, i would have to face the cold, hard, ugly truth -

i have not tracked any food in about three weeks.
i have not weighed in at weight watchers in about three weeks.
i have "officially" gained four pounds since getting engaged.

and the one that i cannot get out of my head:

i am deathly afraid that i am going to get fat again.

alright.

now that i got that off my chest...

i am starting to think that i literally have an addiction to food. i am every type of eater you can think of - emotional eater, stress eater, bored eater, just-love-food-too-damn-much eater.

what is the deal!?

i know i am a self-sabotager. i am really good at quitting when things get too hard and giving the "why bother if i just fail in the end?" excuse. i am impatient to the maximum and grow antsy when things do not happen fast enough. i was so damn close to my goal weight and now i have added even more to knock off again.

my co-worker said today that i just need to track everything, no matter how bad it is. but i know how bad it is! that is why i do not want to track it! i know that i am probably using a WEEK'S worth of points in a couple of days.

i literally have found myself not being able to say no or making the "healthier" choice when i am out with family or friends.

the only thing that is keeping me from going way over the edge is a wedding. that i will be in. wearing a wedding dress. in a little over a year and a half.

I DO NOT WANT TO BE A FAT BRIDE.

if that sounds insensitive, so be it. but i have struggled with weight for SO LONG and have felt like the "fat friend" too many times so i think i have the right to not want to be fat on my wedding day - or any other day of my life.

i want to be happy and healthy and able to enjoy every minute of that experience because i know it will be unforgettable and fretting about a fat roll is the last thing i will want to do when the day finally arrives.

i have to quit feeling sorry for myself and just do it. i have to go to the gym. i have to track. i have to stop eating bad things. i have to weigh-in even when i think the number on the scale is too frightening to see.

so i will sign-off with some new photos and hopefully a new outlook on this whole "getting hott" thing.