there is always a new day

i have been trying to stay on track with points this week...though i definitely ate/drank too much yesterday.

alcohol = i think i'm hungry but i'm not really hungry but those rice krispies look dang good so i'm going to eat something anyhow...

i'm actually looking forward to going back to work on friday. i do SO much better when i'm in the routine of school.

on the running side of things, my ankle hurts. a lot. it was feeling better but then soccer made it hurt again. and then jacob jumped on my back yesterday and, well, the ankle gave out. ugh. story of my life - something always hurts!

i have a bunch of photos to post. you can definitely see an increase in the gut size as they get more recent. only way to fix it is to get back to basics!

 i obviously also have an affinity for my "check meowt" shirt. more shopping required???? :)

long time, no posts

here i am. the blog avoider.

i wrote back in march that i had not posted in a few weeks because i had not been following weight watchers or exercising or doing much of anything helpful in the "get healthy" department...and i am here to say, again, that i still have not been doing anything to help make sure i can get into my very pretty wedding dress next year.

all i have been doing lately is eating. i have been trying to run...but like always, i hurt something and stop for a little bit.

i signed up for a 10k at the end of august with the intention of training hardcore but have already fallen off that plan.

SERIOUSLY?!?!

i have said before that i am a self-sabotager.

i wish i could explain why i constantly do this but i have no answer. it is really frustrating. i am frustrated with myself. i am frustrated with my inability to follow through. i want to follow through. so badly.

i decided (with jacob's encouragement) to try the fitbit now. it will track my steps, sleep, water intake,  and calories burned. it does a bunch of other stuff too. i lost my activelink from weight watchers...should probably call and cancel that. i am still being charged $5 a month to have it activated. always the procrastinator...or the forgetful one...not sure which to choose at this moment.

so, back to the basics tomorrow. i guess i am kind of ready to get back to work. i do SO much better when i have the routine of school. when i sit at home, the only thing i find to do sometimes is to snack. that is a bit more difficult when you are in the middle of teaching a lesson, right?

in other news, i have been busy working on wedding plans that can be completed this far in advance. aside from booking our venue, we found a photographer, (probably) found a florist, and are working on desserts and a dj. this impatient lady wants the "to-do list" to have as many checks as possible before school starts this year.

new pictures tomorrow. no photographer around right now.

confessions from a crazy person

i have a confession to make.

i have truly, truly, truly been avoiding this blog.

because if i was honest with myself and actually sat down to write a new post, i would have to face the cold, hard, ugly truth -

i have not tracked any food in about three weeks.
i have not weighed in at weight watchers in about three weeks.
i have "officially" gained four pounds since getting engaged.

and the one that i cannot get out of my head:

i am deathly afraid that i am going to get fat again.

alright.

now that i got that off my chest...

i am starting to think that i literally have an addiction to food. i am every type of eater you can think of - emotional eater, stress eater, bored eater, just-love-food-too-damn-much eater.

what is the deal!?

i know i am a self-sabotager. i am really good at quitting when things get too hard and giving the "why bother if i just fail in the end?" excuse. i am impatient to the maximum and grow antsy when things do not happen fast enough. i was so damn close to my goal weight and now i have added even more to knock off again.

my co-worker said today that i just need to track everything, no matter how bad it is. but i know how bad it is! that is why i do not want to track it! i know that i am probably using a WEEK'S worth of points in a couple of days.

i literally have found myself not being able to say no or making the "healthier" choice when i am out with family or friends.

the only thing that is keeping me from going way over the edge is a wedding. that i will be in. wearing a wedding dress. in a little over a year and a half.

I DO NOT WANT TO BE A FAT BRIDE.

if that sounds insensitive, so be it. but i have struggled with weight for SO LONG and have felt like the "fat friend" too many times so i think i have the right to not want to be fat on my wedding day - or any other day of my life.

i want to be happy and healthy and able to enjoy every minute of that experience because i know it will be unforgettable and fretting about a fat roll is the last thing i will want to do when the day finally arrives.

i have to quit feeling sorry for myself and just do it. i have to go to the gym. i have to track. i have to stop eating bad things. i have to weigh-in even when i think the number on the scale is too frightening to see.

so i will sign-off with some new photos and hopefully a new outlook on this whole "getting hott" thing.

  

HOLY COW!!!!

SO MUCH GOODNESS GOING ON!!!!!!

at least not weight-related...

jacob and i are engaged! crazy. we have talked about it lots and i knew it was going to happen sooner than later but he TOTALLY took me by surprise last friday when i got home from work and he asked me to marry him!!!!!!

whew. that is a ridiculous run-on. sorry to the language arts folks out there.

my parents were visiting so he was able to tell them in person that he was going to ask. here we are on the night of the engagement.

i LOVE the ring. i picked the setting out in december when we visited a jeweler in wisconsin near where my parents live. he was in charge of the stone and even though i had always said princess cut, the round stone looks AMAZING. he did a fantabulous job. :)

on saturday, we went out to dinner with my parents and his parents to celebrate. when we got there, my brother had a surprise for us waiting!

despite some misspelled names, i thought it was so CUTE. thanks again, brother.

we enjoyed a lovely dinner and everyone came back to our house after for dessert. all in all, i could not have imagined a better way to celebrate such happy news!

now the planning begins! just kidding. we are thinking about october 2014 so it might be just a tad too early to book a dj. our focus right now is the guest list and a venue.

and now, in non-wedding news...

all the celebrating equaled too much food and too many drinks. ugh. i was up at last saturday's weigh-in and i really do not want to even think about going to weigh-in this saturday. i know that i should but it may take a LOT of convincing. with my birthday arriving next friday...UGH again. i need to get back to the basics!

last photos.

for now, i am just focusing on getting through march and making it to spring break in april!

sooooo...the blog does not update on its own?!?!

i was just looking at someone else's blog who observed that unless you write a blog for a living, it is really hard to update them regularly. totally agree! i constantly find myself thinking, 'oh, i should write today,' but then end up wasting my time doing something else (like watching ridiculous tv) instead. ugh.

i realize it has been two weeks since my last entry. oops. last week's weigh-in sucked; i was up another pound. this past weekend's weigh-in was better, dropping most of those DAMN THREE POUNDS that continue to haunt me. seriously!? so obnoxious.

i have been really active in the last week, which i think is 100% the reason why i finally saw the scale go back down. i played four games of soccer from last wednesday to yesterday AND did two workouts at the gym - even when our personal trainer did not show up for our session! i even ran on the treadmill for a bit before driving up to minneapolis for soccer. "ran" might be a bit of a stretch...it was more like some fast-paced walking with a little bit of running. oh hell...most people would probably qualify it as a jog. whatever. i was moving. and it helped me earn 9 activity points.

i have plans to go to the gym tomorrow night for zumba as well as wednesday and friday mornings. i have been trying SO HARD to go in the morning when it is way less crowded and to just get it out of the way from the rest of the day. i also have soccer wednesday (and maybe friday? depends on a certain someone's knee...talking to you, karen!) and for sure on sunday.

two sets of new pictures.

my photographer noted that the gray pants are too big. i am starting to worry that the black pants are also not fitting well anymore.  it is definitely a good thing, but it also means spending money when i am trying to save! i know, i know, the girl losing weight should not complain about having to buy clothes - what did she expect to happen, right? sorry.

my weekend was pretty boring overall. i got my hair dyed and trimmed on friday before the late soccer game. i weighed-in on saturday morning, took a glorious nap, saw "silver linings playbook" with jacob (which was AMAZING), and grabbed taco john's for dinner afterwards. i love taco john's. two tacos without cheese is only 8 points, which i think is completely reasonable. jacob had to work so i entertained myself with justin bieber on snl - was not that impressed. maybe it is only me, but i feel like he tries way too hard to be justin timberlake. just sayin'.

last night, we went and had dinner at buca's to celebrate a very early valentine's day. jacob works on thursday so we agreed to go to dinner ahead of time. it was amazingly delicious and i did not feel like i overate. a little caprese salad, spicy rigatoni, chicken parmesan, and, yes, some tiramasu. i figured the 9 activity points warranted a few bites of the tiramasu.

turn around...every now and then i get a little bit terrified the best of all the years have gone by...

i need to turn it around!!!!!!!!!!!

i gained 2.6 on saturday. and i ate TERRIBLY all weekend. UGH.

this needs to stop!!!!!!!!!

other than that, not much to report. except the getting a new car. no biggie. ;)

it is a 2012 certified pre-owned "tornado red" vw jetta. i enjoy the heated the most! it was time to ditch the neon for more reliable transportation. not starting in the morning (and dying later friday night) was enough to justify the decision.

so!

check out my new polka-dot pants.

 i guess you probably cannot tell there are polka-dots. but trust me! they are there! and they are REALLY tight...oh well.

here is to making better choices the rest of the week.

i have a serious case of the munchies

i am having difficulty staying out of the kitchen at night. i eat dinner and am completely satisfied...and then i go back in to find dessert...and then another snack...and then something else...and it continues on and on until i just feel pretty gross and disappointed with myself.

UGH.

i need a muzzle. or to wire my jaw shut. haha, just kidding. but not really. seriously, i need to find a way to tone down my grazing.

what i really want to do is start waking up early and going to the gym before work. i figure that will kill two birds with one stone - get me to the gym more often and force me to go to bed earlier (which in turn, would probably stop the snacking).

now i actually have to do it. one thing to write it, another to follow through on it.

i will at least get a good start tomorrow. karen and i have training with kenzie bright and early at 5:30 am. so. early.

anyhow. went shopping last friday and got some new stuff. debuted a new outfit this past tuesday at school.

 the pants are MUCH brighter in person but i thought it was a super fun color. keeping my fingers crossed that my weigh-in on saturday goes okay despite all the snacks!