confessions from a crazy person

i have a confession to make.

i have truly, truly, truly been avoiding this blog.

because if i was honest with myself and actually sat down to write a new post, i would have to face the cold, hard, ugly truth -

i have not tracked any food in about three weeks.
i have not weighed in at weight watchers in about three weeks.
i have "officially" gained four pounds since getting engaged.

and the one that i cannot get out of my head:

i am deathly afraid that i am going to get fat again.


now that i got that off my chest...

i am starting to think that i literally have an addiction to food. i am every type of eater you can think of - emotional eater, stress eater, bored eater, just-love-food-too-damn-much eater.

what is the deal!?

i know i am a self-sabotager. i am really good at quitting when things get too hard and giving the "why bother if i just fail in the end?" excuse. i am impatient to the maximum and grow antsy when things do not happen fast enough. i was so damn close to my goal weight and now i have added even more to knock off again.

my co-worker said today that i just need to track everything, no matter how bad it is. but i know how bad it is! that is why i do not want to track it! i know that i am probably using a WEEK'S worth of points in a couple of days.

i literally have found myself not being able to say no or making the "healthier" choice when i am out with family or friends.

the only thing that is keeping me from going way over the edge is a wedding. that i will be in. wearing a wedding dress. in a little over a year and a half.


if that sounds insensitive, so be it. but i have struggled with weight for SO LONG and have felt like the "fat friend" too many times so i think i have the right to not want to be fat on my wedding day - or any other day of my life.

i want to be happy and healthy and able to enjoy every minute of that experience because i know it will be unforgettable and fretting about a fat roll is the last thing i will want to do when the day finally arrives.

i have to quit feeling sorry for myself and just do it. i have to go to the gym. i have to track. i have to stop eating bad things. i have to weigh-in even when i think the number on the scale is too frightening to see.

so i will sign-off with some new photos and hopefully a new outlook on this whole "getting hott" thing.

1 comment:

  1. You can do it! You are amazing and inspiring! So many of us struggle with the same things you are going through! Thank you for being so open and honest about your journey!